Vulnerability-Getting to OK

I wonder, sometimes, if anyone is actually ok.

It seems to me that everyone is walking around carrying a whole heck of a lot of secret baggage. As far as I can tell, the rules of the grown up game are carry as much as you can stoically, and then pretend as hard as possible that you are not weighed down by it all.

Why is it so hard, so non-normative, to be less than totally ok. I think we all look at people who are "having a tough time" with pity and sympathy. But secretly, perhaps, we envy those who finally get to publicly declare, damn, I have had enough and just for this moment I cannot carry it all alone. I can't do this right now!!

As if doing this secret portering of our own mishugas were a laudable achievement.

And while we stand there and offering comfort to the fallen soldiers amongst us, those unable to carry the weight, we part-pity, part-envy them. Envy that they are strong enough to admit the difficulty, strong enough, brave enough to throw in the towel, even if it is just for a moment.

Recently, one of my Rabbi mentors said to me, being vulnerable is hard. We test the waters with people-let the guard down a little, see if it is ok, let a little more of the secret baggage (my language not hers) show, and little by little, we let people in as we see that they are safe. But the trouble is, the more vulnerable we are to another human being, the more frightening the relationship is because the more vulnerable we are to the pain that can happen when there is a mis-step (and the mis-steps in REAL relationships will come), when someone leaves, when someone dies.

There is no conclusion here, no wisdom I have to offer. Just these thoughts on the absurdity of it all. The pretense of "everything is fine," the posturing of having it "all together." This need to look perfect-it drives our economy (beauty industry, fad diets, clothing, products, fashionable coffees and various home goods which communicate an air of "I am ok, see, I have an especco machine). It is the reason we have tv-to watch other people fall apart and to live vicariously through them, to watch other people juggle and be in awe and wonder, and from them we learn-keep going, keep making it look good.

What would happen if as a world we said HELP!! This is too hard!! What would happen if we decided that really, panty hose are uncomfortable no matter how nice your legs look in them and so we just are not wearing them anymore. What would happen if we said, truly, the stuff which is weighing me down has so much power over me BECAUSE I pretend it is not there. What would happen?

Maybe just maybe we really would then be ok...

(PS, Mom, I TRULY am fine, I just am thinking about all of this after a tough day at the chaplaining at the hospital and hearing all about the things that people hold as secrets...When people ask, why me?? As if they are being singled out when truly, it is all of us. We all suffer, we all are burdened and we all...well, most everyone at least, feel like we are the only ones. When really, look to your left, look to your right. That person, they too are sloppily, precariously, and tee-totteringly carrying their own mangled, tangled set of stuff often refered to as "my life")