The one thing I ask is to be welcomed in to the house of God all the days of my life (Achat Shaalti)

Tonight, at the end of services, this was the prayer. And I had, for me, an unusual moment. Yes, this is what I am asking for. I am asking to merit being a guest in God's house every day of my life. And what I mean to say is, that every day I merit this.

I am at Kallah, Hebrew Union College NYC's opening retreat weekend. I returned from 3 months of travel last night. I was welcomed in to my apartment by a sea of cockroaches and wonderful friends who took me in late at night and have helped me through a challenging re-entry to my home. I sat through the evening services with more interest than usual, but certainly not engagement in the prayer.

But tonight was different. Tonight, I was in my own community again. I so often feel estranged from these people, this place, but tonight, this was my home. Tonight, I looked around the room and was conscious of many different people and their many different lives. I felt the connection I have to most of them. I care about their cares, I worry about their worries, I celebrate their celebrations. The prayer felt different. I heard the songs of maariv as warm and comfortable, comforting. I this was not something happening around me, like it usually feels, something I am witnessing, something I am sitting through. But more like something I was a part of even if I am apart from the actions. I am still connected to the happening, part of the experience, a member of this community.

Then Rollin, one of the cantors for the evening's prayers, began singing this song. Achat Sh'alty m'et Adonai, otanu evakesh....One question of you, Dear God, of you I do request....Shibty m'beit Adoai kal yamei chayyai. Place me in God's house all the days of my life. Yes, I was singing and praying. Yes, I want to earn that honor, merit having a place in God's house. If there is such a place, if there is such a thing, I want to be living a life which earns that.

The conversation after services left me feeling unsettled. We discussed the future of Judaism. Rabbi Larry Hoffman and Dr. Steven Cohen panel-discussed where we are going. And I felt two things were missing. If the future of Judaism for the Reform movement is involving ourselves with Jews on the margins, then I worry that Rabbinic school is not preparing us to be rabbis there. And secondly, I felt we were talking a great deal about how to perpetuate Judaism. But not enough about WHY to perpetuate Judaism. If Judaism is dying and involement is waning, so be it!

No, I do not feel that way. I do feel as human beings we all have a mission. Judaism offers an approach to that mission. To me, we need to perpetuate Judaism as long as there are injustices in the world. If there is a wrong, then it is my duty because I am a Jew (and I am not saying only Jews have this duty, I am simply saying, I only know it because of my Jewish experience) to respond. That was missing tonight. Keep Judaism going so we can what? Have more programs to keep Judaism going? That feels silly to me. I think we need to keep Judaism going to keep fighting to merit a place in God's house all the days of our lives. I do not think of God in these terms, really, it is an idea, an ideal to live up to. I think Judaism is about being people who are ethical, moral, caring, compassionate and involved. That is the mission, this is the enterprise. The continuity will happen if that is happening. The relationship with God will happen, if that is happening.

I believe this to be true. Other wise, what am I doing here?